Rain Man/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, back when I was a kid everybody wanted to be a cowboy like hop-a-long cassidy or roy rogers or even gene autrey until he sang that christmas song. But the biggest kick was wearing the cap guns. Of course this was before airport security. But these cowboys like me are the same ones who refuse to wear seatbelts. To them it looks wussy. If a cowboy can ride a mustang across the desert without one then you should be able to drive a pinto to the mall without one. So we have to find a way to make seatbelts part of the cowboy experience. Okay, I've turned my seatbelt into a pretend ammo. Belt. Now instead of looking like a crossing guard, I look like john wayne. Time to head em up and move em out. [ police sirens ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Yeah, yeah. We're having a big drought up here. It hasn't rained in a long, long time. The fountain down at city hall is blowing smoke and the bird baths have switched to dry cleaning. Uncle red? I had like a canteen hidden in my room. Yeah, I told you not to tell anybody. Unfortunately, you'd already told me, so... You drank the water?! No, no, no. The possum van did, harold. Well she was overheating like crazy. It was going to turn into an espresso machine in there. So, I mean -- hey, you don't want to seize that engine. Yes I do. That engine's the reason we don't have an ozone. This drought is the fault of you guys. You know and your emissions. Harold, the ozone doesn't make it rain. Oh no? What does the ozone do, uncle red? [ laughter ] the ozone filters the sun's rays so the earth doesn't fry up like burrito. And rain is caused by the evaporation of water. Which doesn't work around here because technically possum lake is not water. Hey harold, it's a liquid, that's close enough, all right? It's a blob. It's jelly. We don't have waves. We have undulations. This whole thing, you know, it's your fault because you've been throwing vehicles and lawnmowers and chainsaws in there for the past 50 years. You know what, harold, for the first time ever I think you're -- you could be and when I think we're -- doesn't really matter who's right or -- you know what, all we have to do to fix the whole thing is make it rain. No! No, no, no. You don't need to make it rain. You need to ask for professional help. You should talk. Harold, we created the problem. We're going to create the solution. That's called being a man. Ya, well I don't think I want to be a man. Looks like you're safe. [ cheers and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this pass for a free visit to crazy lou's leech farm where our motto is there's a sucker born every 2.3 seconds. Okay, cover your thingys, dalton. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word. Okay, okay. And go! Okay dalton, this is something you take to a funeral. Business cards. No, okay, no, okay. These are colourful and you find them everywhere in the woods around the lodge. Empties. No, okay, no, no. This is pretty and it has petals. Malibu barbie pink bicycle. Okay, no, no, no. Okay. This is something that your wife wants from you. It rhymes with tower. Power. No, no, no. This is something you would give your wife. A wide berth. Okay, no, no, okay, okay. When you started going out with anne-marie, what would you take with you on a date? Ear plugs. No, no, no. Okay, okay. These have long stems and they're kind of frilly on the end. Women love them as gifts. Dusters. No. We're almost out of time, mr. Green. Yeah, okay, okay. I know. Dalton, what does a bride throw at a wedding? Tantrum. Anne-marie went ballistic. I had to get a proctologist to take the flowers out. Yes! [ bell ringing ] welcome to harold's hobby house where we examine not just the hobby but the man behind the hobby. And when you think of the man behind, you think of winston rothchild. Winston's the manager and staff of winston rothchild's sewage and septic sucking services. And winston, what type of hobby did you bring for us tonight? Well, harold, for the last several years, I've collecting home décor accessories with historical significance. Yeah, you know, like dishes and vases and what have you. Oh, well then, what have you? Okay, this first piece is a turn-of-the-century candy bowl. Would you care for a prune? Oh no, thank you. Yeah, I don't like them much myself but they're great for business. This next piece is a beautiful wedgewood china serving dish circa 1920. The cookies are a little more recent. Well no cookies for me, thank you. Good call, they're dog biscuits but I thought they sort of enhanced the presentation. Yeah very much so but I think I saw one of our stagehands eating a couple of those. I was wondering why he was licking himself like that. Well, you know, of all the pieces you have, do you have a favourite piece? I do and I brought it with me. You did? Well you asked me to, harold. This is a 19th century, sterling silver tea service. Shall I pour? [ said with british accent ] oh yes, please. I really love tea. Tea is delicious. Well this is a pekoe blend with just a hint of rose hemp. Ooh. Oh, it's delicious! It is, that's -- you know what I think is amazing is that you have a hobby that is so far removed from what you do for a living. It's not that far removed. I fished each one of these pieces out of septic beds. [ applause ] you know, there comes a time in the life of any appliance when it's over. And then that time comes you'll know. But what do you do when you have an old fridge and stove that the garbage men won't take and you don't live next to a ravine. Well I guess if you're real good with a can opener, you could get rid of them a little bit at a time but if you're a handyman or even better, a handyman with a teenager, here's what you can do. Step one, take the top off the stove. Step one, take the back off the stove. Take the door off the stove. Then you remove the top and back because once you get the top and the back off the unit, this is no longer a stove, it's an office chair for your teenager's workstation. Got a fully-reclining backrest, a place to keep his books... Or her books... It's so hard to tell with kids these days. And here's an extra bonus, retractable foot rest so your kid doesn't get carpel tunnel in his butt. But how's he going to know when his homework is done? Well that's what this homework timer is for. Just set it to well done. And for extra safety and comfort, I would suggest you line the whole unit with an air mattress because I believe there could be an exposed sharp edge or two... And I'm right. Now here's a question. Can I rig up these burners to make a red, hot, reading light? No. You know it's good for a teenager to sit in a stove because you want him in the hot seat but you also want him to be cool so this fridge becomes his computer desk and that automatic fridge light means you don't need any of those goofy-looking desk lamps. Now the door is kept horiontal thanks to these little chains I got from the bank. They even have pens on them. The shelves are great for holding my files and these ice cube trays handle all your office supplies. And oh, what's that? A mouse. No wonder the cat was in there. And check this out, the icemaker makes a dandy pencil sharpener. And that's how you turn a couple of burned-out appliances into a high-tech workstation. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Boy, this is educational. I learned something. [ cheers and applause ] there's a big push on these days to make us all get into high-definition television. You know, those big flat screen t.V.'s that hang on your wall with a better view than any of your windows. And they're focusing the sales pitch on guys my age because they know we're the only ones who have a chance of coming up with that kind of cash. The problem there is those of us from the 8-track generation don't have the keen senses to appreciate the new technology. What good is high-def when you're half-deaf and half-blind? Sadly, this is just another example of not being to afford something until it's too late like open-heart surgery or dance lessons or underarm deodorant. So the best approach is to buy what you want without waiting until you can afford it. That's what credit cards are for. And when the visa bill comes in, just pay it with your american express. By the time the repo. Man shows up, you'll have finished enjoying whatever it was you bought anyway. Speaking of which, if my bank manager is watching, I'll be dropping the hi-def t.V. Off at your house right after the playoffs. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] if you can see the future, that makes you a psychic. If you can the past, that makes you a customer. I've been doing some research on how to make it rain. I went down to our local public library. Was it ever quiet in there. I looked up cloud seeding. Apparently all you got to do is fire some chemicals up into the clouds and bingo, you got rain. So I built myself a little cannon, emptied about a thousand shotgun shells into her, there, put in a wireless detonator so that I can stand well back when I fire it off with my t.V. Remote. I just got one more chemical to stick in here and we'll be good to go. I should never leave you unsupervised. Harold, you can call me the rain man. I'm an excellent driver -- excellent driver. Bang your head on something, harold? No, that's from the movie the rain man. Oh, I don't like any movies that were made after 1959. Oh, no, no, there was one... Duct tape something. Check this out, harold. All I got to do is fire my cannon, send the chemicals up on top of those clouds out there. See, I got the far end attached to that tree with no branches on it. That's not a tree. That's a high-tension electric pole. You know they seed clouds with airplanes? I know that harold. You think I'm going to hotwire a plane and fly around without a license? That would be stupid and dangerous. Uncle red, you know I never stop you from doing your crazy things. That could be part of the problem. Well, exactly, exactly. And I know you don't mean to poison our atmosphere and defoliate the trees and end life as we know it. Not when you put it that way, no. All right, so let's not fire off the cannon, let's do the smart thing. All right, harold, all right, yeah. Really? Yeah? Oh. Yeah. Okay, okay, that's good. Because you know it might rain on its own anyway. It might rain. You know what, let's check it out on the weather channel. Oh harold, no, no, harold! This adventure starts with the difference between dalton humphrey and a canoe. A canoe tips. Okay, the boys are going out for a day of camping. Watch the rope there. Watct bill, don't straddle a rope. Don't ever... Oh boy. You know what, you can adopt. So mike and ed get into kind of an argument. Bill's saying, why are you arguing in nature's beautiful environment? Bill pulls out a telescope and he just says, it's just so beautiful. Why don't you just enjoy nature for all it is. That's fine, he's right. Just enjoy the day. There's some bugs there. You know, you get the black flies and mosquitoes and the deer flies. This is getting crazy here so they're slamming away on each other and -- now ed has some kind of an insect repellent or something that's he got. These two are -- now wait, that's a bit, that's a bit much. No, no, come on now. Come on, now. Easy now, come on now. So ed has some type of bug fogger and that's -- oh boy! Turn her down. Turn her down. Turn her down. But you know it, it did the job. It cleared the air -- cleared the air. But they come back, that's what I find anyway. They come back so then bill says I'm going to go pitch the tent. They got the screen windows in it and we can all get in there and get out of the bugs. It's one of these tents -- you know you kind of flash them and they stand up on their own. Okay now get in the tent. Everybody get in the tent. Get in the tent. In the tent, way you go. Get in the tent, yeah and then zip the zipper. Okay, there's a few bugs in there but not very many and within a few minutes they realize -- okay, okay, they're good. Everything's good. It's good. Then they feel something coming up from underneath. They pitched the tent right over an ant hill. So now they stand up in a tent -- not a good idea. Okay, plan b, they all get into sleeping bags. Bill takes his telescope apart and he's got snorkles attached so they can get inside, zip themselves in and still be able to breathe just by leaving the telescope outside. What they didn't realize is there are tarantulas in our area and... It's really only a matter of time. Ooh. Okay, so it's time for a total rethink. They're going to just get in the canoe and get the heck out of there and for all you animal lovers out there, the tarantula is just fine. So they hop in the canoe and here's something you youngsters should learn, no matter how hard you paddle, you're not as strong as a rope that's tied up. So, finally -- you might want to think about undoing the -- yeah, undo the rope there. Just yank it. Oh boy... Ooh! They don't just head back to the lodge, they're making a bee line. [ cheers and applause ] okay... Trying to seed the clouds with my homemade cannon was not a complete success. Instead of a fine, dispersal pattern, the chemicals kind of all glomed together and... And splashed right into possum lake like a giant pop rock and then it started frothing and bubbling and... I tell you, I haven't seen that much foam since moose thompson shaved his back. I know, I know. I know. I've never seen a lake evaporate before. I know. It was like a giant bromo. Fish were falling out of the sky. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You should have seen the one that got away. You know, harold, think about this, there are people that live their whole lives and never see anything like that though. Oh, I envy them. C'mon harold, look at the bright side. I mean, the lake will eventually ooze back into place and meanwhile, we can get all our appliances and snowmobiles off the bottom. You know, uncle red, that sometimes when you make a mistake but everything turns out hunky-dory. No, I no, this is not one of those times. This is hunks of dorys. No, it's hunky-dory. What? Well, the foam will extinguish all the forest fires -- you're kidding? Yeah, well the concussion from the cannon being triggered off well it caused this atmospheric reaction and apparently it's raining in port asbestos and it's heading this way. Oh ho, ho, ho! Hey, you know what that means? That means that my idea and my ingenuity and my instinct to do something crazy has once again saved the day. Huh? Huh? Oh, no, no, no! No, you did something dumb, period. Me? You're the one who fired the cannon. That was an accident. Accidents happen. Just ask your parents. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Well away you go, then. Oh boy, wow. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm kind of on a roll so I'm thinking maybe we should do something crazy. Let's try to stay up to 10 o'clock tonight. I'm not quite sure how we'll fill in the time but I'm hoping my medication will help me think of something. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] guys! Guys! Sit down! Sit down! Guys! Sit down back there! Sit down guys, sit down. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. All right men, apparently harold has an announcement of some kind. Well now since the drought is over so you should all stop drinking beer. [ lodge members ] boo!!